I want that she says.
Peering over her shoulder, gazing at the couple. Laughing, hugging, kissing all at once while jumping for joy.
Them on their wedding day. Her in the demise of her heart.
She shuddered. Deep within, she only felt a stone cold frost in her chest, in the space of her so-called heart. . . Icicles. Not even a single fluffy white snowflake here. Disbelief. Darkness. Stabbing pains. Heartbreak. Complete brokenness. Falling to pieces once again. . . Did it always have to be this way?
Lying on the table, her eyes closed, pictures in her mind continued to flash by.
Partially in it. Partially watching. She continued to let herself feel into her heart. The space stung, but she felt safe this time to continue feeling the pain. She went into it. Into the darkness. Into the shadows. Into the fire. Into the ice.
Part falling, part sinking, park rising, part leaping.
She stayed with it–watching it, hating it, loving it, honoring it and finally, becoming it. She accepted it and became ALL of IT. She was IT. She was NONE of it.
As it flowed through her, she held a special space within her. When she surrendered and opened, she moved through it, the energy shifting, setting her free.
She couldn’t explain it clearly. She couldn’t really describe it with words. But there was no doubt, she dove in and then it came–the forgiveness, the compassion, the stillness, the peace.
Now the relief flowed from deep within her, bubbling up through the gaping hole in her heart. Now it was filling her, filling her fully with a substance beyond love, beyond light.
It came through as an understanding, a healing, a sealing of a space of peace within her heart.
Clarity. Stillness. Silence. Oneness.
Slowly her eyes blinked open from the healing session. Glittering light filtered into the room.
She now understood.
And while she understood, sadly it was not with words to easily lead another down the path of sunshine and rainbows. No, this one was a trek through the darkness, into the muck of the feeling within, 100% through the disaster, into a place beyond words–right in the middle of the pain of her heart.
No one wants to go there. But that is where you’ll find it.
The answers of peace lie sweetly, buried deep within the pain of the heart.
