Just about a week before, I was over it–over the jungle living, over the isolation, over the lack of opportunities knocking on my door. I had been living here and after a year, I finally felt ready to give up and head back north, way way way north to California.
Yes this was it. I didn’t feel called to be here anymore. Well I didn’t feel called to be anywhere anymore, but you can always go back home right? So maybe a trip back home would inspire some connection, some inspiration, some clear sign of where I should be… and what I should be doing with my life.
And then I saw it clearly.
It was the urge to escape again.
Yes, it was the urge to escape. But it wasn’t meant to inspire a change in living. No, it was an urge of escape that had a deeper meaning than to pick up and move across the country or move across the world.
This urge to escape begged of me a different way of living, a different approach to life. It was an urge to get out of my rut and take different action. It was an urge that recognized this wasn’t it, and it was never going to be it by following this path, doing the things I was doing. No, the world was asking differently of me.
Was I being lazy? Getting stuck in a comfortable state of meaningless busyness? Was I giving the wrong priority to what I focused on, what I talked about and the stories that swirled endlessly in my head? Had I really fallen off-track again?
Luckily, this time, I didn’t get tricked by more busyness of moving myself across the country. Finally, the signs to stay were getting a bit more clear. I knew I didn’t want to be here, but I finally saw that here was actually the here inside of me. Something needed to change…